I Fell Down.... Literally

Do you guys feel like you aren't worth it? Like, you felt like there isn't anything in life for you to do cuz you're constantly being surrounded by people who seem to be perfect.

I have to tell you no one is perfect. As sappy as it sounds, the only difference is that some people are real good at concealing their flaws. But, not me. I suck at it.

A lot of you come to me for advice on how to gain confidence, how to be happy with life, etc. And I'm truly flattered. But, the internet can do a great job at concealing how people actually are.

In the past, I was a really bright and talkative kid. I went out for a bunch of things including cheer, basketball, and I would always be the girl that raises their  hand when I knew the answer to a question. I was incredibly sociable, I always wanted to be involved. I even went out to a few open calls for modeling and acting when I was in the 4th or 5th grade. I love both modeling and acting so much and I get so excited when companies remember me and want to recommend me for some amazing shoots til this day. But, I never go.

My parents don't think modeling and acting is the right choice for me. #actingstruggles. Especially becuz I'm pretty short. And a lot of second round callbacks require to pay some sort of fee to be in commercials and stuff. There's no way my old-fashioned Asian parents will EVER pay money just to have their daughter stand around and pose for pictures. That's how they view it.

I love the idea that you can just completely embody yourself into being someone else. Acting is an escape from your actual life- that's why I like it so much. And the fact that I lost so many opportunities really makes me sad.

Before you knew it, at around middle school I turned into a really shy, awkward, antisocial kid. I still try to be bright and happy around my friends cuz I feel that's how I naturally am. It just feels like a lot of effort to try to be happy when on the inside your not as happy as you seem.

Today was the day I decided to break out of my shell and step out of my comfort zone. I played rec softball from 5th-6th grade and I wanted to join the school's softball team. I wanted to fit in and be cool. And I think I actually was for quite awhile until the incident.

I went out for softball conditioning today. I had butterflies in my stomach- kinda like the first day of school feeling you get. I was excited too. This was my chance to make new friends and for people to really get to know me!

But damn. Conditioning was a real kick in the ass for me. I haven't ran in so long and I could barely keep up with the other girls. But nonetheless, I carried on and did everything I was told to do no matter how much it hurt. There was this one exercise we did where we had to hold the other persons legs and walk with our hands and I heard girls cheering for me! The coach even told me that I was really good with my hands. (Which is true, I've always been unusually strong with my arms in comparison to my jelly legs.) I felt proud.

But when it was the final lap for running, I gave out. It was 2 minutes until we had to leave and I couldn't continue. That's the first time EVER I gave up on a workout. I was running and my legs were starting to feel like tofu. My legs gave out and I fell. The coach looked at me like "wtf are you one the ground?" Which, made me start to cry. Everything hurt-physically and mentally. And what did the coach do? He just gave me a trashcan cuz he thought I was gonna throw up. And with all the girls looking at me like that- I wanted to throw up.

I wanted to finish and show everyone that I'm strong too! But, I guess I'm not.

The worst part was is that none of the girls asked me if I was okay. I knew some of them decently well. And the fact I have to face half the team I went to school with on Tuesday-scares me. They're gonna remember me as the weakling who cried her ass off and gave out. Knowing that, sucks.

When I fell down, my waist started to hurt a bit too. I'm sure I fell cuz I wasn't strong enough but, I remember holding on to my waist. At the end, I had to tell the coach the truth- I have scoliosis.

A lot of teens have scoliosis, it's just mine is worse in comparison to the general population. I have to wear a brace every single fucking night and I'm afraid one day I'll get so used to my brace that it'll come apart of me. I don't want that.

I gave coach the scoliosis excuse, which seems less embarrassing than not being able to keep up with the other girls. And he just says he doesn't want anyone hurt.

My mom picked me up and tears flood out. In the car, she first scolds me for being so reckless and for pushing myself so hard. She says that with my back problem I shouldn't do sports like this. But after awhile she softens, and gives me one of those ''mom talks'', which rarely happens for me.

She says everyone faces something difficult in life. No matter how gorgeous their life may seem they still have problems too! But, I just hate that my problem relates to me not being good at sports. Sports was my entire life- I take one break from it and I lose all my skills. I'm not fast, I'm smaller than the other girls.... I just don't know.

My scoliosis is one of my biggest flaws. And tonight was one of the top ten most embarrassing nights of my life.

I hate crying in public- I'm such an ugly crier. And I made a huge deal to my friends that I was going out for softball- SO STUPID. This just goes to show how unpredictable life can be.

But now, I'm incredibly lost. What do I do now? Softball was the only thing I was good at. I suck at playing the flute, I'm not very smart, I can't speak all the additional languages I know very well... So, what's left in this world for me?

My mom's probably going to prevent me from playing any running sport ever again. And I'll be confined to the house 24/7. I just feel useless. And this incident.... what if it happens again? What if I fall down again and I get hurt more badly than I did this time? What if my scoliosis prevents me from playing any sports for the rest of my life?

All I know is that when you fall down in life, you just get back up. But, that's the hard part.

I lost so much confidence today. I showed all my flaws. I'm just not good enough. I can't compete in this marathon we call life. Its so hard, and there's so many competitors that are better than me. I don't know how to keep going. Where do I start?!?