Monday, May 25, 2020

A Letter to Myself:

Hey Naeun,
Ever since you started a new middle school back in 2014 you've been going
through a pretty tough time. It seems like everyone you know at this new school is smarter than you, 20x prettier than you, and overall more talented than you. I know you've had minor depression when you started out into this strange world called middle school- and you're unfortunately still facing it today. You watched YT videos on how to destress, and how to love yourself but, you still couldn't figure out how to do both of these things. Your entire life at this moment is school and band. And unfortunately you felt like you suck at both those things. Everyone has their extra curriculars, and you've been holding back on what you love due to family/personal issues. Dance. You love dancing. But due to your body type at this time you feel like you can't dance at all since you're not as experienced as the other girls. And mom. Mom's your best friend, but due to certain things she's not. She isn't too old, but she always says she can't drive you to the dance studio you've been dying to go to cuz it's "too far" (which is only a 20 min drive) and she's tired from her daily life.  I understand it's tiring from all the cooking, cleaning, and helping dongsaeng with his studies. But, what about me? I can't do everything on my own despite being a teen. I need help in certain areas that mom is more than capable in aiding me in. But whenever she's on her period she completely shuts down-doesn't do anything. And when you have your period, you suck it up and carry on with life. And she says with being a foreigner she just "doesn't know the answer to certain things". And this really frustrates you. Maybe by the time you read this you understand mom better. But, don't you feel like mom kinda expects you to be like her? I tried explaining to her that life is waaaayyyy more competitive now. But, she can't understand cuz she's actually nothing like you. As a kid, I admit her life did seem pretty sad with her broken family- but, she's a freaking polyglot. She can speak 5 freaking languages- languages she's not willing to teach you becuz we live in USA. And she was gorgeous. LIKE THE ANNE HATHAWAY OF MALAYSIA. Mom was the ideal image of all the mixed Chinese-Indians out there. Currently, we are at the very bottom of the "prettiness scale" in our school. And mom had tons of boyfriends, admirers, etc. And she moved to Penang, a big city in comparison to her hometown. And got an amazing job there despite having no extra curriculars, a C+ grade average, and no college education. All due to the fact that she's pretty, has a good personality, and speaks 5 languages. Us on the other hand, currently have none of those things. And it's most likely we'll never be as lucky as mom was. And no matter how much I try to tell her that being a good student isn't enough in this century, she just doesn't understand. In the past years have you talked to her about it? Did u have that day when you finally worked up the courage to just talk to mom seriously about this stuff? I've been thinking about it recently- I wonder if it'll actually happen.
 
Fortunately, at this moment you still have a tiny grasp of your dreams and you're
trying to hold on for as long as possible. By high school you're aiming to be a Straight-A student, join at least one sort of sport (hopefully dance), learn French and/or Korean, continue playing the flute, and maybe even join another activity. hahaha. I don't know if it'll happen but like I said I have big dreams for us. XD And as for college you're striving to make it into an amazing college like, Cornell, UCLA, or some college in Seoul, China, or even Japan. But all this is extremely unlikely and dad is probably sending you to the state college or something.
 
Most importantly, I hope by the time you're reading this you're finally happy. Truly happy with your life and you're no longer stressed by you're body image, grades, family, or whatever. This was extremely hard for me to write, and I don't how you'll feel when you're finally reading this but, just now I wish all the best and I love you. Naeun-ah hwaiting!
                 with love,
                                   Naeun Lee    written on: 19/12/15
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys! Umm.. a bit of a weird blog post today. Just know I did not intend this to gain sympathy or anything I just wanted to write this letter to the future version of myself to vent out my emotions, and let her/me know that I still believe in us. I'm scheduling to re-upload this blog on my birthday in 2020,  just before I head off to college. So, if you're struggling with something in your life I would highly recommend writing a letter to yourself. It really allows you to vent out your emotions and realize how you've been feeling this entire time. Of course, I'll have to return to being the happy Naeun I always am- just know there'll probably be more blogs like this.